Put up or shut up.

I am a feminist. My family know this. All of my friends know this. In fact, very often I go to great lengths to make sure none of them forget it. And although I was shy and quiet at school, since then I have gotten pretty good at speaking my mind when necessary. Of course sometimes people still underestimate this until the critical moment...

Which is why I find myself increasingly exasperated with my reticence in challenging the casual sexism of strangers; those conversations which promote double standards, or reduce women to objects, vessels to be filled or interpreted. And just so we're clear, sexism does not mean conversations about sex. I have no problem with conversations about sex. In fact I frequently participate in them. That I feel it necessary to make such a distinction is probably telling enough but perhaps an example would be useful here. Last summer, I found myself sat in the sunshine with friends, listening to mutual aquaintances have a conversation along these lines...

Idiot 1: Yeah well if she was going out with Baz she must be well easy.

Idiot 2: Hey, it's not my fault all the sluts love me...

I could continue with this but frankly I shouldn't have let it go uninterrupted the first time around. And why didn't I interrupt? It's a question I've asked myself alot since then, but I suspect it comes down to my own conditioning. Conditioning which says to challenge such exchanges is petty, prudish and just no fun. Exactly what people would expect from 'feminists' who inevitably hate men and by implication sex too right?

But since I happen to believe that words have power, allowing myself to be silenced because of fear that I will be derided and misinterpreted is pretty much the definition of patriarchy in action. And I could keep talking about patriarchy and power structures and dominant discourses but what it comes down to is this... it's like racism or homophobia or anything else - we keep our mouths shut at our peril.

If male voices continue to be the ones that are unconsciously privileged, the ones that we feel compelled to listen to regardless of what they are actually saying, then women will continue to feel that their stories, opinions, emotions are less important. If it's ok to talk about women as objects then surely it's ok to treat them like that too.

Of course I could try to justify my behaviour as a simple matter of minding my own business. Freedom of speech and the seemingly universal ability we all have to go selectively deaf, blind and dumb when behaviour that we find bizarre, threatening or just plain wrong is taking place in front of us. But it isn't as simple as live and let live because conversations like this hurt people. By ignoring it I contributed to a world where judging women on the basis of their sexual behaviour is normal. And ok. And common. I don't want to live in that world so I have a responsibility to do something about it.

The irony is that my friends, the people with whom I do feel able to speak freely, are lovely and intelligent. They don't agree with all of my opinions but generally speaking they aren't sexist in their words or deeds... they don't care how many men I've slept with or how short a skirt I'm wearing (or at least it doesn't change their perception of me as a person!) They really don't need my feminist fire and fury.

And, hey, even if wading into the fray with strangers earns me nothing but a barrage of abuse at least I'll be able to collect a few more anti-feminist bingo cards.